My kids are old enough to actually remember him and have memories of their own. THAT one of the most beautiful things. Death brings out some strong reactions and reflections. This morning in the shower, I cried a real hard cry. The reality of our reality comes in waves. I feel like Sally Fieldsin Steel Magnolias...my brain knows this is needed and its time and he would want this, I just wish someone could explain it to my heart.
To me, my granddad will always be horseshoes, multiplication facts and fishing on "the point" at Sylvan Lake. If I close my eyes and try, I can still here him sneeze (it was a humdinger). One of my favorite things to think about is the fact that to each of my cousins, or his daughters...he is something different.
I will continue to visit him until his last day. I want to soak up every second, any expression, every moment I can. I want to look at his hands one more time. I want to hug him one more time. I want to tell him I love him. He can't say it back but he can hear it and I know it matters. The painful truth is, we are saying Goodbye again. This time, it will be final. We said a partial goodbye slowly over the past couple of years as dementia all but took over. He's been here physically, but mentally he was different.
He was strong and stubborn and whitty as all hell. Yet, he is still tender and loveable and funny and kind.
He was first in line at ALL holidays and would steal your rolls ANY chance he could. He would often tell you goodbye and say "glad you got to see me". If you asked him how he slept, he would reply with a stone cold expression and say "lying down."
When he counted, he said thee for three. His hands were short and stubby and his arms were strong. He had a drawer of night shirts we could pick from when we slept over and I don't have a great memory, but I'm pretty sure he had a Bob Marley one that I wore.
He LOVED my grandma. They just celebrated 70 years of marriage. Think about that. Seventy years. Even through dementia and old age, when so many things were changing...she was the one constant that could make him smile. He would ask for her and tell her he loved her. Their love is its own legacy.
He was the one who would come get me from school when I was sick. In high school, he would pick me up in his blue Subaru Brat and I remember thinking, "don't be emabrassed...be grateful. Oh man, I WISH he had a different car", I'm not sure I can honestly tell you I wasn't embarrassed but I can honestly say, sick days with grandma and granddad were AMAZING! Price is Right AND Days of Our Lives?!?! Who needs school!
He won WORLD in horseshoes and was honored to have a "Dee Powell Open" championship during his "career". His percentage of ringers was amazing and I cherish the memory of my family going with him for his tournaments and playing horseshoes with him in the backyard at family get-togethers, even IF nobody else could EVER win.
He also shared a love for real estate and would often ask me about home prices, deals I had going and would tell me about his success selling his own properties through the years. He was one hell of a salesman too! Cars and garage sales were like a game to him and he would retell his prideful stories, time and time again.
My mom has told me, my granddad and my grandma would walk me around for HOURS in their old farmhouse when I was a baby learning to walk and make duck noises as I went.
He was a soldier, farmer and a truck driver. He lost his son too early and he felt depths of despair that I can only imagine. He lived a long and full life. He traveled, he felt great love and great loss, he was surrounded by family and children brought him great joy. Each one of his granddaughters say they're his favorite and we are all probably right. He shakes every mans hand.
Yesterday afternoon, we took the kids to say goodbye before things progress. It was equal parts gut wrenching and beautiful. He only mumbled a few words while we were there but "there's Blake" made my heart smile. Piper showed him she knows how to snap now and he tried to join along. When we talked about what a great inspiration he was, he pretended to cheer. His smile is weaker, but he smiled. I told him I loved him and he looked me square in the eye. We held hands, I rubbed his shoulders and his great grandkids played in his chair. It was beautiful.
I am not ready for what is to come in the next few days. I am not strong enough, not ready, I'm scared and I'm sad. I would like another 91 years with him, is that too much to ask?
But, I will be brave. I will be sad and that's ok because we loved a real love and my grandma reminded us today, its ok to cry.
He will live on in me, in my heart and in my kids. I am grateful for all that we got to share and how close we were.
Grandad, I will love and miss you always. Thanks for being you and loving your family with your whole heart.
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