Truth?

Truth?  It is 11:25 at night which is waaay past my bedtime, I just layed down to bed and got back up to write this post.  I feel like I need to.  There are some things I need to say.  Tonight I made my hubby a rocking dinner, watched my daughter eat spaghetti and was her hair with the sauce.  Today, I laughed with my kids, as I do everyday, all day.  It was a good day.  Tonight, after the kids were in bed Brian and I came upstairs and watched our shows and he went to bed.  I stayed awake for a little while longer watching an episode of Grey's Anatomy (I made a very difficult *insert sarcasm here* decision today to finally cave and start watching that show...on hulu, season 1 episode 6 - all today during nap/school time).  One episode of Grey's turned into "stumbling" to find Blogs.  I have a list of my favorite blogs, both be people I know and people I don't know but feel a connection to.  My favorite?  KelleHampton.com  she is fresh, fun, has the words I want to say but often can't find, shares her stories and has had an amazing journey especially with her daughter Nella.  I love Nella and I don't even know her.  That is powerful.

When I started "stumbling" from blog to blog I found a family blog that looked like my kinda family...I read about their daughter and what she is up to these days and then I realized they had a son that died before her.  I was completely sucked into their life and their story through a blog of someone I don't even know.  I cried.  Hard.

I went back to Kelle's blog and tried to find Nella's birth story.  I had never read it but heard bits and pieces through her other blog posts, but for some reason tonight I was intrigued.  I wanted to know the whole story.  I cried.  Hard.

Don't ask me why tonight I decided to read these blog posts and get all emotional, but...I did, and now, here is where my head is ;)  Enjoy!

As I looked up at the clock and realized it was so late and knowing my kiddos will still be up and ready for the day in 7 hours and I really should go to bed, I turned on my computer.

I went into my dark bedroom in our quiet house, lifted our two old beagles into bed with me and layed there listening to my hubby breathe, sound asleep.

I wasn't tired.

Truth?  I have a lot I feel like I need to get out.  Truth?  I hope no one reads this because I am scared at how it will sound, but I need to be honest.  Truth?  It hurts, but I will be okay, this I know!

The past few years I have grown a lot.  I have learned a lot.  I am always amazed at how much having children of your own teaches YOU!

Truth?  I absolutely, positively love my life!  I love my husband and know that we have a real love.  I know that I am blessed beyond belief with kiddos that are happy and healthy, kind and funny!  I am blessed with my job and the fact that it allows me to spend this oh, so precious time with them!  I love our home.  (not our house  - of course I want a bigger/newer house, but really?  who doesn't?)....I LOVE our home and I have learned that our house does not define me!  It is a thing and I have so much more that can't be measured, I am okay with our house because that is where we write our story, not what our story is about.

Truth?  I am scared.  I am terrified every day that I am not parenting right.  That something will happen to me and I won't be here to love my kids and hug them everyday and tell them that they are what I was brought here to do, to make.  They are the beautiful gifts I was able to give the world and because of those two people, it is a more beautiful place.  I am scared that marriage is hard and what if we don't have enough.  I think we do, really, I LOVE my husband more than words, but what if?  I am scared of financial failures.  I am scared of the hurt that I know is coming with the health of my dearest and most loved family members.

Truth.....I am hurt.  This past fall I went through something very personal.  I lost my best friend.  Lots of people have best friends, but few are able to find what we had.  She was my sister.  She was my "go to". She was way more to me than I ever knew until she was gone.  The reasons why don't matter, but in the past 5 months (wow, 5 months) my heart has hurt.  I miss her.  To be completely honest, it has been the hardest thing I have had to go through.  I am definitely a "glass half full" kinda person, and I do think there has been some good "healthy" lessons from this experience.  In my heart, I do think we were *too* close.  There were no boundaries, she was my safety, and I think that is good but to some extent it can prevent you from growing also.  It was a friendship nobody understood because no one I knew had a friendship that close.  It has brought me closer to my husband, which has been a huge blessing to our marriage and our family.  But still, she changed and it hurt.  I have really struggled with how to handle these feelings and how to be "ok".  Truth?  I was rejected and it hurts.  I know this, I know I am here in this moment for a reason.  I do not have a clue what the reason is and it may never be clear to me, but I know this is for a purpose.  I know I am blessed with three amazing best friends right now.  I know they love me and lord knows I love and need each of them in my lives!  Without them, I would be totally lost.  There are times I think about Cass everday and there are some days I dont think about her or wonder what she is doing.  Maybe one day, we will reconnect.  I know there have been days where I felt like just picking up the phone.  But, in my heart I know that things wont change.  I don't miss the friendship we had last year, I miss the one the years before that and I know I can't get that back.  I am mourning the loss of my best friend.  People change and that is okay, I will be okay and I know she will too, but for tonight, I miss her.

Truth?  I am going to bed now, have to be up in 6 1/2 hours.  But, I feel better...thanks for listening!