Ok, here it goes.
When I was pregnant with Blake, like many new moms I had A LOT of ideas about what my parenting style, future kids, house, life, ideas, rules, activities, and behaviors would look like.
I.was.wrong.
Most of my ideas were anyway. This boy, has taught me so much.
I could go on and on about my Blake and his personality traits and all of the million things I love about him. He is my little buddy, he makes me smile every single morning when I see him, without fail, rain or shine the second I see him, my cheeks draw up on cue. It's a great way to start my day and I am thankful every morning for him.
But, he is a hard kid to raise. I don't know how to help him. He is very smart. I know every mom says their kid is smart. Blake IS ;) He started talking early and often. His logic, science and math mind are amazing! With that, he also has certain quirks that worried me at first. I actually had him evaluated at Child Find to look for any potential problems or concerns from a professional. He got the all clear and I exhaled and said a quick prayer thanking God for a healthy Boy, I know that is not something to take for granted. Honestly, part of me wished there was some sort of small diagnosis. There HAS to be a reason for our day to day frustrations and road blocks. Or, maybe I am just not a great mom? Trust me, that thought has entered my mind at least once a week (or day) since the moment they placed my newborn baby on my tummy after birth. I have read some books, talked to my friends a lot and tried new methods, theories and ideas. Some things work better than others. For example, Blake learns the best when you explain things. Sometimes, it can be hard to take the time to explain but it is how he learns and what you tell him, he soaks it up! Hubby will say something and if Blake over hears it, he will ask what was said. If hubby replies with a "nothing", that doesn't fly with Blake. We have had conversations that I never thought I would even tell my kid or that a kid would even care to learn about, Blake eats it all up. He is also VERY particular about things. Out of his "penguin tube" with 12 penguins in it, he picked 1 that he loved and referred to it as "the penguin looking forward", there were actually 2 that looked forward, although one was slightly sideways and forward....handing Blake the wrong one = BIG mistake! I know most kids pick a favorite, but this happens out of every toy, every time, without fail. The other day in the car, Blake was holding two Star Wars lego guys. One lost his lightsaber and was differently shaped because of it than the other. Blake couldn't find a way to hold it so that he could move his arms, legs, and head without having to move his fingers. This resulted in a meltdown. It was exhausting. I am mom, I will make time to explain how he could hold the Star Wars guy by the waist so he can move all of those parts without having to re-position his hands. This is the kind of "no-one-ever-thinks-about" things that mommies do. I try to talk to Blake and explain why that works and how it is a good idea because, blah blah blah. But, in life? In life, there won't be time for his teacher to stop class and explain something to Blake. Then is when the fun cycle of "mom" goes into play and then I worry about how I am raising him and how he will be ill prepared to deal with life and all of its "lost lightsabers."
I am exhausted.
I love being a mom. I love my kids. I think I am doing an ok job.
I want to help Blake.
He is an intense kiddo. At 2, he was put into glasses and we saw some drastic changes with his vision. I am a perfect vision kinda person and have never had to learn about the eyes and how they work. I thought, glasses fixed all. So, we got glasses. They got him from 20/200 to 20/40 - that is good right? Oh, and by the way, how do you test a then, 2 year old kiddo with an eye chart that doesn't know letters? Ugh, its been fun and I am thankful for a wonderful Doctor that has helped along the way! Anyway, 20/40? Not good enough when you are learning to write and read and color and draw and you are so farsighted you are also nearsighted with astigmatism in both eyes! Turns out, we need more help. Not sure what that means. Ask me Friday after we meet the specialist.
The other day, my dad and I were talking on the phone and he was thinking about Blake's vision and how Blake is often very frustrated in general. Dad suggested that maybe it is because of his eye sight. Imagine waking up without your glasses and you can't see, putting them on and you see better but not great, imagine trying to learn the whole world and everything around you and only seeing what you can, which is 20/40 and blurry. That is frustrating! I am hopeful that this new path with give us some answers to the questions that have yet to be answered. I am proud of what Blake is able to do when I hear how bad his eyes really are! I am still cursing those dumb prenatal vitamins and those little fish oil pills for DHA that promised good healthy eye and brain development and I am looking for ways to help Blake and solve this puzzle.
One thing for sure, Blake is amazing at half vision, I can't imagine him at 20/20.
He is starting to get frustrated at the idea that he can't do things. That is the hardest part. He wants to see the letters so bad and doesn't want to "give up". You can see the disappointment on his face when he can't see them anymore...How do you help your kiddo as they realize they aren't perfect? All I can do it teach him that no one is and it would be boring if we were. Problem? It still hurts my heart.
As for Blake, he is fine. He wasn't thrilled about having two eye appointments in one day (and had I known school was doing theirs today, we wouldn't have), he knows most of those letters even far away so testing him is way easier, and so far he just knows that we want to help him the best we can even if that means new "super hero, super strong" glasses.
We will survive. Like I said, there are worse things, I just had to vent. Thanks for reading ;)
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